I abandoned my kid last night.
I just can't do it. I can't sleep with a kid beside me in bed. I tried, really I did. But I need space and range of motion when I'm sleeping, and having a little tiny body tucked up under me or across my chest is not a situation that I'm comfortable falling asleep in. Sure we can nap together on the couch. Sure, I'll snuggle with her in the bed. But when it's time to do some real overnight heavy sleeping, nope. I just can't do it.
Sarah was having a rough night last night. She went to bed fine, but around 10:30 she started moving around and couldn't settle down. I went into her room to soothe her and let her know I'm here and everything is okay, which usually does the trick. But not last night. The second I'd take my hand off of her she'd sit up and cry for me, so I tried to stand there with my hand on her back or head while she drifted off, but my back started hurting. I had a really bad pinched nerve a couple of weeks ago, and had to go the chiropractor and get adjusted several times. It's nearly completely healed, but hunching over the side of a crib to keep my hand on her was making it twinge again. So after 30 minutes I scooped her up and said she could lay in bed with me.
So away we went to my bed. At first I thought she was just having bad dreams, because she didn't seem fully awake and would murmer things like "all done, all done" "no,no,no" "bear, bear" "all done". Mike wasn't home from work yet, so it was just the two of us, but it doesn't matter how many were in the bed because whenever Sarah is in the bed with me, she wants to be right up against me or on top of me. It reminds me a bit of how bunnies sleep if you've ever seen a group of them sleeping together, arms legs bodies everywhere. Which was fine so long as I wasn't trying to sleep. I have since come to the conclusion that it was either her two year old molars or her first ear infection, but either way it became clear that it hurt her to lay on one side of her head. So we laid there together, she tried desperately to fall asleep and to somehow become one with me, but she wasn't having any luck. She even tucked her head up under my chin the way she used to when she was a baby. Part of me was really loving all the snuggles, and another part of me was thinking, how in the world am I going to get any sleep? I can't fall asleep like this... what if I squish her, how can't I keep up with all those arms and legs and make sure they don't get caught under my arm or leg (I mean, come on, the arm of an asleep person weighs a ton)... I'm just too aware of her to allow myself to fall asleep.
Eventually Mike got home from work. He was surprised to see her in the bed with me, because I am not one to let Sarah sleep with me. She sat up when he got there and heard us whispering and said "ouch, ouch". So I offered to get her some medicine, which she seemed really excited for. So as I was getting up to get it, she panicked again and clung to me "momma momma momma", (like crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around me) so I asked if she wanted to come with me, which she did. So the three of us went to get her some medicine. After that, she started feeling better. We took her back to our bed, put her in the middle and I sang some lullaby's to help her fall asleep. Once I could tell she was out, I snuck out of bed and slept on the couch.
Enter mommy guilt.
I know she needed me last night. I know she just wanted to be close to me and to know I am there, but I can't sleep with a kid next to me. As much as I might wish I could, I just can't. Mike slept in the bed with her, so it wasn't like I left her alone or anything, but it was clear that she wanted me, and I left her. When I went to get ready for work this morning, she was curled up right where I normally sleep, not all tucked up next daddy, which makes me think she was still looking for me. Maybe I'm over thinking this, but I felt like a bad mommy for not sticking it out all night with her. Yes she was asleep, but I still worry that she felt abandoned. Does this ever happen to you? I know in the grand scheme of things it's a little blip that she probably won't remember, but I don't ever want her to think that I'm not there when she needs me... Hmm... I don't know but I'm feeling the mommy guilt this morning...
