Postpartum

This is a deeply personal post. So deep that I almost don't want to publish it, but I feel I need to just get it out. Most of the time I try to keep my posts light and positive. But to be honest, I don't feel light and positive at all these days. I am struggling very hard right now with postpartum depression.

I saw my doctor today and he confirmed it is postpartum and we are starting treatment.  I never knew how depression felt until now. The only way I can think to descibe it is, I feel heavy. All the time. I feel like the biggest weight imaginabe has been bound to me and I can't figure out how to get it off. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and the bright shiney sunny world is welcoming me if I can ever find a way to the top and shed this suffocating weight.
I feel the need to say that Sarah is my one ray of sunshine right now. She is nothing but pure bliss and postivity and light. When I'm taking care of her,I feel some similance of normal.  As little as she is, she reminds me constantly of the joy of living and God's awesome power.

But it is when I'm away from her or she is sleeping that I feel completely lost.  I know that "baby blues" are normal for a lot of people, but in no way have I lost interest in taking care of Sarah. (That is what a lot of the research I've read says can happen). I only want the absolute best for her.

But back to the point. I feel like there is some trick to getting this weight off and climbing out of the well, but I can't figure it out and I'm exausted from trying. It's easier to just make my peace that this is my home now. But I know these aren't my feelings. I'm better than this depression. I know the magic and wonder of life. But somewhere along the way I got lost then fell then got heavy. Normal everyday life seems so hard to do. And I have a lot to look forward to an be thankful for. But it feels like a facade.  Again, I want to clarify that this feeling is only when I'm not with Sarah or she is sleeping and I'm not needed. It's amazing the way her sweet smile pulls me from this nightmare.

I hate going to work. I know I love my job (and I truely do) but it is so hard to make myself go. Lately all I do at work is put head phones on and druge though whatever tasks I have for that day. I don't socialize with anyone unless they happen to ask me something and even then I keep it short.  I just don't feel like conversation. I've been trying very hard to not upset or offend anyone because I really like my coworkers. I just don't know how to be normal right now.  Having friends takes a lot of work and I can't be a friend to have a friend right now.

I don't have the energy for my relationship with Mike either.  Not that we get any time together.  We basically pass the baby off between us with our work schedules being opposite.  But he has been wonderful to me and helps me out in so many ways.  He truely does keep me going. I'm used to contributing a lot to our relationship, and right now I'm basically a leech.  I suppose that's how relationships go, but it makes me feel guilty. I wish I had more to give and put into our time together when we get it.

I don't really know why I'm writing this post or putting it out there to be judged by the small handful or people who read this blog. I guess it's a mass apology for not being myself. Know that I am trying to get back to normal and I pray about it all the time. But my internal struggle is heavy right now. I don't know how else to describe it.  I'm hoping to find the joy again in little things in my life outside of Sarah.  But "me time" is a joke as I usually end up sitting on a bench somewhere counting down the minutes till I can be with my baby again.
Please don't think I cling to Sarah too much. I'm just so much happier when I'm around her.  It's easy to act like nothing is wrong when she lights up everything around her.  I don't understand people who don't believe in God. I can't take credit for the beautiful little wonder that is Sarah Marie.  I thank God daily for sending her into my life.

I start treatment tomorrow for post partum.  The doctor said it's normal for it to last for 9 months to a year, but I'm obviously hoping for quicker results.  If anyone is interested in this journey I'll try to do updates.  Or if you have felt this way, let me know. It'd be nice to know I'm not some psycho.  It almost makes me want to be pregnant again. I felt on top of the world when I was carrying Sarah.  From the top to the bottom in 4 and half months...eye yi yi...(and the whole wanting to be pregnant was a joke!)

Pray for me please.  And please don't judge me too harshly.  Thanks for reading.

A mystery of infant sleep.

Some of you have seen my facebook post about Sarah reverting back to newborn sleep habits.  You know? Waking every 3 hours, not understanding that the nice dark room and soothing music means "sleep time" not "let's keep smiling until we win mommy and daddy over and they pick me up time".  That was our life last week.  And it is hard sometimes because she's just so darn happy when she wakes up.  It's hard to be annoyed that she wants to play.  But still, we need to be consistent.  So I came up with a few rules when it comes to training Sarah that night time is for sleeping and not playing: 

1. No talking.  I don't talk to her when she wakes up at night.  When she wakes up from napping or in the morning I greet her very happily and start chattering with her.  Not so at midnight or 3 A.M.  She gets the silent treatment.
2. No leaving the room.  If I do have to pick her up because she is wide awake, she doesn't get to go into the living room with the other adults or play with her toys.  Her choices are being held by mommy or daddy or laying in her crib.
3. No picking her up if possible.  I try to stroke her face or rub her back or reposition her before I will pick her up.  But sometimes those little feet go sky high immediately as she starts cooing at her toes.

See? Nothing ridiculous or unmanageable and usually we can get her to go back to sleep fairly quickly when we use these.  And these are just our guidelines when it comes to waking up for no reason.  There have been an occasion or two that she has woken up completely terrified.  On those rare occasions it was necessary to talk to her and reassure her that mommy and daddy were there and she was safe.  Once she heard our voices and felt us holding her, she went right back to sleep.

But then there was last night.
Last night. Ugh. I'm not really sure where to start with last night.  First off, she went to bed completely exhausted and was dead asleep.  I remember thinking that it was going to be one of those really easy nights.  But no sooner had I laid her little head down that she woke up. And woke up with energy.  I have no idea where that burst of energy came from, but it was there and there was no fighting it.  So I let her talk to her mobile.  She played for probably 30 min before it occurred to me to capture the moment on video.  Then the first video somehow got deleted and I took this one...



Sarah is like her momma when it comes to sleep.  You reach the giddy/hyper stage and then you crash hard.  So I knew I just had to wait it out and she would start crashing.  Which she did.  So two hours past her normal bed time I put her back to sleep.  Which lasted 30 min. before she was tossing and turning and whining.  Usually if she does this, we can give her the pacifier and she'll settle.  Last night?  Last night, not so much.  She tossed and turned and tossed and turned and whimpered and whined and whimpered and whined.  Crazy thing is, she was asleep the whole time!  Eyes firmly shut.  Then the whimpering turned into crying.  At this point I'm trying to think if something could be wrong.  I gave her gas drops, which seemed to help some, but not much.  She didn't have a fever.  Her diaper was still clean.  But then when I picked her up she just laid her head directly on my heart slept with only a couple soft whimpers.  Poor baby.  I kept trying to put her back to sleep with the same result.  By the way this whole process took about an hour, so we did it for a long time.  Over and over.  Then it occurred to me that maybe her reflux had come back.  So I put a pillow under her mattress to prop her up some.  When I put her down on it I got the only two hours of sleep I got last night.  But after two hours, even that didn't help.  She never fully woke up (excluding her hyper play time).

So I didn't get much sleep, she did... kinda... but not really.  She woke up with deep lines under her eyes (one of the dead give aways that she's tired) but happy.  I fed her and let her play, but I'm still wondering if something isn't wrong.  I hope my baby hasn't caught something.  Mike usually watches the girls over at his mom's house during the summer.  She has been sick for the past two weeks, but we don't know with what.  I'm hoping today will go smoothly for him.  Any suggestions are appreciated.  I don't think it's teething.  It could be a growth spurt.  Lord knows she's growing like a flower. I just hope she starts feeling better and gets back to her happy self. 


P.S.  It's definitely days like these that I wish I was a stay-at-home mom.  I feel like she needs me and I'm not able to be with her.  Not that Mike doesn't take excellent care of her... but you other moms understand.  I want to be with my little when she's not feeling good....

Daddy Brag

I've been meaning to write this post for sometime now.  I wanted to write it before Sarah was born as a pregnancy thank you, then as a newborn thank you, and now as a general daddy thank you.  In honor of fathers day, I'm writing it now...

I have been blessed to have such a wonderful partner in parenthood and life.  When I was pregnant, Mike made it his mission to make sure I was okay at all times.  He got me whatever food or drink I wanted, would rub my swollen ankles, run interferance when shopping, etc.  He always made sure I was taken care of.  He NEVER ever missed a prenatal appointment or birthing class and reassured me when I needed it. (And trust me, I needed it a lot!)  He really went above and beyond, I couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy expirence!

When I went into labor, he finished packing our bag, carried all of the bags like a pack mule to the hospital room(s).  He encouraged me and was right by my side through the long exhausting day.  I'm thrilled he was the first one of us to hold Sarah.  He took pictures and video's of what I was incapable of seeing so I could expierence those parts later.  Later, in the hospital, he slept on a rock hard couch every night.  He had to tend to Sarah whenever she needed it and change every diaper.  And y'all, he was maxed out.  I couldn't do much of anything on my own at first. He even had to help with nursing. Because I had to suppliment, he had to help with setting up the feeding contraption that we used, clean pump parts and feeding tubes.  You know, just a lot of tedious work. 
He made all of the arrangements for us to get her bassinet to the apartment, cleaned and organized all of the shower presents that were strewn about our room.  He did all of the shopping for us the first 2 months. And when I say all shopping, I mean ALL shopping.  He kept us well stocked on anything we needed. Even went so far as to cut coupons and price shop different places to make sure we got the best deal.  He cooked every meal and made sure there were easy to open and eat snacks where I could get to them.  He really did go above and beyond and I appreciated his love and foresight through those first couple months.

Now that I've gone back to work and it's summer break, Mike watches the kids every day.  He keeps Haley and Sarah and often other kids throughout the week.  I never have to worry about my baby being at day care and know that she is being taken care of by someone who loves her just as much as I do!  As if these things weren't enough to nominate him for Daddy of the Year, there's the other stuff...

Mike is selfless when it comes to Haley and Sarah.  There is NOTHING he wouldn't do for them!  He loves the two of them for their individuality and uniqueness.  He is so full of love for them and it's obvious when you see him interact with them.  He's stern when it's called for, and loving all the rest of the time.  Even when I know he's tired and would rather not have to change that huge poop diaper or get up at 3 am, the second he looks at Sarah's little face his softens and he commits to what needs to be done.
I feel like this post is a bit rambling... All I know is I'm lucky to be with such a man and Sarah and Haley are lucky to have him as a daddy.  We know he's in our corner and wouldn't take on the world without him!  Thank you for loving us the way you do.  We love you Michael!

Memorial Day

On Memorial Day we introduced Sarah to the pool!  Well actually, I had introduced Sarah to the pool once before, but it was at night and she was only in the pool for a very, very short amount of time.  This was really her first time.  I think she's really gonna like swimming once she gets used to the "big bathtub".

We went to my parents house for Memorial Day breakfast and a swim.  After breakfast (big shout out to my dad for the yummy sausage gravy and biscuits!) we all got sunscreen up and headed out to the pool.  We took Sarah's spaceship float with us, but really she's too little for it.  Sidenote: We had the hardest time finding a float that had a bottom so she could sit in it.  She didn't stay in the pool for long... 20 minutes is about the max attention span you can ask out a 4 month old.  But she seemed to enjoy it!  Sorry, but there really isn't a whole lot I can elaborate on.  So here are some pictures of the expierence...

Like I said, she only has about a 20 min attention span at this point, so she was over it and wanting a nap pretty quickly.  (Hey, it took awhile to get her changed, sunscreened, and everyone coordinated and down to the pool).  But she did get in again after her nap.  We didn't spend too much time at the pool.  This was the weekend I was determined to get her crib set up, so we only stayed a couple of hours.  But I think we'll have more weekends spent lounging by the pool. 

I wish it was more exciting, but I wanted to share the pictures.  I probably should've done one of the wordless wednesday posts that really good bloggers do, but the idea didn't occur to me until now and I've already typed this out.  Oh Well!  Here's one last picture for the road...  (She's such a cutie in her ruffled little swim suit!)

Sarah Tries Solid Foods

Okay, here's a fun little bloggy blog.  Sarah has officially tried solid foods ~ yikes!  I really wanted to wait until she was older, but I also told myself from the start that I wouldn't set hard developmental dates or timelines.  At her 4 month check up the doctor said it was up to us if we wanted to start her on solids.  She is still only eating about 5-6oz at a feeding.  She's never drank a full 8 oz in one go.  Plus she's been sleeping through the night since 8 weeks, so obviously she's getting all the nutrition that she needs.  But the doctor also mentioned that we have a very smart girl on our hands.  She said most 4 month olds are not as aware of the world around them as Sarah is.  And seriously, yo, the girl is on top of it!  So I mentioned to the doctor that Sarah seems really interested in people food.  She watches us eat, opens her mouth when we take a bite and can get pretty fussy if she's not eating too. The doctor chalked that up to her being so aware of her envirnment and not a sign that she's ready.  But, she said if we wanted to give her some cereal that we could try it once or twice a week. And gradually introduce veggies and fruits.


Well, that news made me thrilled (I was so sure that she was going to tell us to start solids regardless)!  I am in no hurry for her to grow up.  She's growing and changing so much as it is!  Anyway, her doctors appointment was on Tuesday, and on Thursday we were over at my mom's house for a family dinner.  After dinner we had some homemade peach cobbler.  Yummo!  Well Sarah, in true Sarah form, watched me eating my dessert.  She watched every spoonful with baited attention.  So when I was finished I thought I'd play with her a bit and put my spoon up to her mouth just to see what would happen. Now, again, there was NO food on the spoon, but I'll be darned if her little mouth didn't open and she mimiked eating.  I did this a couple of times with the same result.  Okay, so confession, one time there was a spot of melted icecream on the back of the spoon ~ you know like when your spoon is resting in the bowl and theres that little tiny spot.  Well she licked that spot and started smacking her lips.  She hasn't smacked her lips since she was newborn and wanted to eat.  But, she was very clearly telling us that she wanted to try people food... and I just opened the door for her to know it was coming.  Oh! And we are trying to teach her baby sign and I swear she was trying to do the sign for "more".  Again, smart baby!


So I went to the store and bought her the little bowls and spoons and some organic rice cereal.  I was shaking my head the whole time, because I really don't want her to be ready yet, but she was telling me she was ready...  After I got them home and cleaned up, I was showing Mike her eat reflex with the empty baby spoon, and she lunged right for it.  Then she started smacking her lips again.  So I put a drop of water on there so she would think she's getting something and she took it like a pro... *sigh... I guess it really is time.  So this past Sunday on June 10th we made some baby food for her to try.  I fed her a 4oz bottle and an hour later, after a short cat nap, we introduced her to cereal.  Here is the video of that first feeding:



So it didn't go exactly like I thought, I think she may need more practice and time.  But it let me relax a bit because she's not going to be demanding cereal now (which was a fear on mine).  But maybe once a week or every other week we'll let her sample cereal.  I hope you enjoyed the video.  There is also a part two to this that is on my facebook, but somehow I managed to delete it from the video camera so it's only on facebook and I don't know how to get it anywhere else to share it.  So if you're my friend, you can check it out there, if you're a vistor to the blog who's not my facebook friend, sorry charlie.  Happy Tuesday everyone!

San Francisco Video/Photo recap

Here's the scoop with this video... I should just leave well enough alone... but I have to say something here because UGH! I'm just so frustrated with editing it.  So first off, I am not a video type person and this just goes to prove it!  It took me so long to get this edited the way I wanted it and insert nifty little title slides and whatnot, find the perfect song and get the whole thing to run in the perfect amount of time.  So I finish it upload it to YouTube only for it to be blocked worldwide for copyright infringements.  Now, obviously the song I wanted to play in the background was copyrighted and I put links to where you could purchase it should you like it, and clearly stated in the credits the song stats.  But that is clearly not enough.  Okay, I'll just delete it.  I don't want a lawsuit over this slide show.  So then I noticed that YouTube has it own nifty little video editor with hundreds of songs you can use for free.  So I was like okay, I'll just use one of theirs because let's face it, a slide show of still pictures is bor-ing!  So I took off the credits and song from my video and re-uploaded it.  But the YouTube editor stinks!  I constantly get errors and it's not easy to work with.  I'm shocked I even got a song to play on it from their editing tool.  So there is a song playing with it, and it is a song I picked out of their library...  But it's not how I would've wanted it to be should the tools be working properly.  (And yeah, I guess it could be user error on the YouTube tools, but seriously, errored out EVERYtime!)
Anyway, here is the video, imagine the song starting later and lasting until the end and the pictures matching up to the proper parts of the song... I hope you enjoy!




Um about this video, we went to my brother's wedding in the bay area of California back in April.  We kinda used his wedding as an excuse to have our first family vacation.  We weren't there for that long, but we made the most of it with jam packed days!  Sarah and Haley both traveled marvelously and we couldn't have asked for better weather while we were there.  The wedding was beautiful and I am so excited that Jen is now apart of our family.  I wish her and my brother (otherwise known as Team JH2) all the happiness in the world!

I hope I never forget... 4 Months

You are 4 months old now!  Such changes have happened in the past month! Here are some of the things I hope I never forget...

• The discovery of voice.  You've been cooing and making noises for a long time now, but recently you've figured out that you are making the noise.  It's so much fun to hear your vocal experiments.  Also, you've started saying consonates.  I've heard a few "M" sounds, so maybe momma will be your first word...
• How much you LOVE toys with squeakers in them.  Seriously kiddo, you love the squeaker noise.  I don't know if it's because you think your toys are talking to you or if it's just the noise, but you heart them!
• The thrill you get out of your swing.  Gone are the day when you would nap in your swing, but since we've sat the seat up and rotated it to move in a more traditional swing motion, you love swinging and playing.
• The way you want someone/anyone to watch you play.  You're so social little one!  You can be happy playing just about anywhere as long as someone is watching you and talking to you.  Although, sometimes mommy can get a couple of minutes when you talk to your mobiles.  (Which you still love!)
• The way you're sleeping like a big baby in your crib all night long.  It's like you were waiting for your crib.  You knew almost instantly that it was your bed and have been happy to sleep there ever since.
• Your drooling up a storm.  We thought you might be teething, but the doctor told us you weren't... It's cute mostly, but you can soak an outfit, burp cloth, or shoulder in no time!
• Drive by cuddles.  Yes, little smarty, you've figured out how we put you to sleep and have been resistant to sleep a couple of times.  You still want to cuddle, but hate to miss anything, which results in drive by cuddling.  You put your head in for a few minutes them pop it up suddenly.
• How early your bedtime has shifted.  You are no longer a night owl.  Bedtime happens between 9-9:30 (I'm sure earlier if mommy could get it together and get you home sooner to get ready).  You've also stopped napping good (you only sleep for 45 min. at a time), but we're trying to get that back on track.
• Your sweet smile.  You no longer rest or sleep in crowds.  You can't nap until you've smiled at everyone in the room or area.  I have to separate you from crowds so you'll settle for a nap.  My little socialite!
• How much you love being outdoors.  You love to sit on the big swing at Gammy's house.  In fact, you'll usually stay out there until you nod off to sleep.  You love looking at trees and feeling the breeze.  An outdoorsy stroll is right up your alley.
• The way you need to hold my hand in the car.  You hate car rides, but are able to tolerate them with your pacifier and my hand.  I love feeling your sweet hands holding mine.
• The way you still love to kick your little legs all the time.  You're so muscular already!  We dream about what you'll do with those kicks... Soccer? Dance? Karate? Track and Field? Maybe nothing? Time will tell...
• The way you still fit into 3-6 month clothes and size 2 diapers.  You're a little too long for some of the 3-6 month sleepers (the brands that run small) but in those brands you can still wear the onsies and shorts/pants/skirts.
• Your cute little hands.  You've gotten pretty good control over your hands now, but still have a hard time getting things into your mouth, which you are inevitably trying to do now.  You also like to bring your hands together and look at them.
• Your cute little feet.  You've been grabbing your feet more often and are tickled pink if we kiss your toes when you show them to us.
• How you hate tummy time still.  I honestly don't think you're going to get over this anytime soon.  I think you'll learn to crawl from the sitting position.  You throw a temper tanturm after every tummy session and are mad for awhile (and will tell everyone about it).
• How good you are at standing.  The doctor said you stand like a 6 month old!
• That you still wake up happy.  You usually take a minute or two to yourself before letting us know you're awake, but you always have a sweet smile for us when we come get you!
• Your facination with the world around you.  You no longer get overwhelmed by everything.  In fact, you love looking at everything and meeting new people.

But mostly, baby girl, I hope I remember to slow down and enjoy life with you.  I'm not a picture taker, but I try to remember to get some first moments...  I'm incredibly proud of you and love you with all me heart!!

~Mommy

Here are some photo's of you this past month:

First Pool Experience

First time at Zoo, you met a dinosaur!

You enjoying your swing after breakfast



You and Daddy at Mommy's Company Picnic



Sweet baby crying, See?  You're still cute!

I'm 4 Months Old! (Don't mind the spit-up)

Those Things That Make Her... Her

So many blogs, so little time...  All babies are unique and have their own personalities and quirks.  You know, those things that make her... her and not someone else.  So today let's talk about car rides.

Sarah hates car rides.  HATES them!  It's so funny because I try to make it home before Sarah's bedtime so we can do our nightly routine, but sometimes we cut it close.  Inevitably, when it's one of those situations where Sarah is tired and I say we have to leave I get the same comment: "As soon as you start the car, she'll fall right to sleep". At which point I usually smile politely and don't comment... because no one believes that not all babies like the car.  In fact when Sarah is tired is when car rides can spiral out of control and stay that way.  Let me clarify,she doesn't like them anytime, but she's less equipped to handle them when she's sleepy.

Now I have never pulled the car over to soothe her when she's throwing a fit. I've been trying to teach her that just because she can't see me, doesn't mean I'm not still there (she does great if someone is in the backseat with her... most of the time).  So I talk to her, sing to her, pat her head.  Anything I can think of to reassure her without stopping the car.  Why? Because I don't want Screaming = Mommy Stops Car.  Of course, if there is a reason to stop, I will. Like if she gets sick or is hurting or something...  but usually it's just her throwing a fit.  And through this trial and error I've figured it out.

My view of Sarah in car.
(The car was already parked when I took this picture)

Sarah NEEDS two things in the car to be happy, or er tolerant.  She needs her paci and to hold hands.  Yup, I'm that mom rolling down the street with my arm cocked at the weirdest angle because my daughter needs to be holding my hand.  Sometimes she needs a finger for each hand, sometimes she needs for me to hold one hand, either way, she's happy with a hand. A lot of times she'll pull my hand to her face so I'm touching her in 3 places.  I let her decide.  But that is the trick.  The kid loves skin!

So here's what I do: I clip her paci tether thing to her car seat so I can find it one handed.  Then when we start going I wait to see how long she can go without fussing (I'm giving her room to adjust and be okay on her own).  Then when the tears start, I give her the paci and my hand.  (Side note: I hate trying to find her mouth when driving, I feel like I'm randomly patting her face until I find it, usually when she starts licking me.)  Anyway, we ride like this until we get to where we are going or she falls asleep.  There are times when I have to let go and pull my hand back for safety reasons, such as it's a tricky road to navigate or blind curve, safety comes first. But depending on the length of removal she may or may not be okay.  Also Lord help me if she does fall asleep and then wakes up in the car... that's a cry storm that won't stop until she's out of the car, in where ever we're going, and out of her seat. 

But this is the stuff that makes her Sarah.  My Sarah. And I wouldn't change it about her.  No 30 minute screaming car ride would make me want to change her (okay it might pass through my mind briefly... but I still wouldn't want it to be different). She's a social baby, never wants to be alone. This includes car rides, so we hold hands. My arm may be on fire and start to lose feeling, but if her little fingers squeeze tighter, I'm not letting her go.  I love my sweet girl and would do anything for her!  So I do what works for her :D. Happy Thursday!