So Sarah is now almost 2 1/2. To go through a little background, we thought we had potty trained Sarah, but she regressed and is wildly inconsistent, so basically she's not potty trained and is going through a phase of near absolute refusal to use the potty. She is knows what she is supposed to do, but I think that because it's our idea and not hers, she is just refusing to do so. So that is where we are at for this story to make any kind of sense.
So the other day, she had to potty. She is has very easy to read signs for impending accidents. She was doing all of her signs so I made her go and sit on the potty. Now usually once you get her to stop playing and in the bathroom she'll go ahead and do it. Well on this particular day she decided she didn't want to do it. Just straight up refused. Now, I've always had the mindset of: you need to try. If you try and it doesn't work, fine, you can get up and we'll try again later. So I think you can see where this is headed.
Sarah likes distractions to help her go, a book, song, a little toy to play with, etc. So, she asked for a book. I got a book and read it to her, and she didn't go. Then she asked for some toys, so I got them, and she didn't go. Then she wanted to play Endless Alphabet on my phone. At this point, I am getting frustrated, so I made a deal with her. She could play it if she would go to potty. She agreed. I let her do three words before making her stop and try. Well she wouldn't try. So I took the phone away. I told her we had a deal, and she needed to try to get it back.
Enter the dreaded i-am-two-you-have-no-power-over-me-tantrum. So I did what I always do when faced with this type of reaction. I very calmly put my phone away and told her that when she is finished we can talk and I looked away from her. I corrected her when I needed to, like when she tried to kick me, I told her we don't kick, and if she did it again I was going to leave her. She stopped kicking. But she still screamed, and when she started screaming mommy. I looked at her and calmly said, "Yes honey?" but then she'd just scream again, so I said "You look really upset, when you're ready to calm down and talk I'm right here" and looked away. This went on for a little while. She threw everything into her screaming and crying. Every time she said my name, I did the same thing. I never left her, I never yelled back.
I've been teaching Sarah to take a deep breath when she's upset for as long as I can remember. So she gets to the point where she says "I need a deep breath" and bless her heart, she proceeds to try to calm herself down with her breathing. At this point, my mommy heart, while frustrated, is so proud of her for remembering how to calm down. But she looked really funny as she threw her head back and very dramatically sucked in these ragged breaths and tried to calm down. At which point I helped her calm down by rubbing her leg and soothing her. Then when she was calm I asked if she was ready to try to go potty. She said yes and really tried. So I let her down and cleaned her up from the potty and tantrum. Then we went to sit down together.
So I firmly believe in talking to my children when stuff like this happens, so I can understand how they feel and she can understand why I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do. So we are talking and she understood that I just wanted her to try, and that when we say we'll do something, we have to do it. And all that stuff. I asked her why she didn't want to go and how she felt. (I didn't get much of answer, but she's two. I know she understood everything I was saying). So she's cuddle up on my lap and I'm just holding her, she's still doing her deep breaths. When she very timidly tells me...
"Mommy I need some chocolate"
Let that sink in for a minute. "Mommy I need some chocolate". Me: "You do?" Sarah: "Yes, to make me feel better". Me: "Oh". Now what the heck am I supposed to do with that? On one hand, I don't want to reward a tantrum. On the other hand, she just threw a fit, but was able to calm herself down and did what I asked. Hmm.... (Oh! and it should be mentioned, that I have NEVER said that I need chocolate when I'm upset - I don't think anyone has around her, so this is totally 100% her idea).
So we both had a bite a chocolate and let it all go.
At least I know what to have on hand as she grows up. I think I have the girliest toddler, ever.
Oh, and here's a cute picture of her from this past weekend, just because ;)
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