Join me in my slightly panic'd mind:
There is a line from the TV show Friends that keeps running through my head...
"You're going to have a baby and you need to be prepared for it."
This year the holidays have been very unusual for me. I am normally totally into Holiday's and like to decorate and get into the spirit of things. But this year, it's as if my brain has switched off and is refusing to acknowledge the season has already approached and is nearly over now. I've been trying to figure out why this is, and I think I've come to a conclusion...
Once the holiday's are over, there's nothing left to focus on except the imminent arrival of baby Gill. I'm starting to get very nervous about having a baby. And by having a baby, I don't mean the actual birth, I mean the responsibility and life altering changes I'm about to encounter. I don't want to say that I'm intimidated by these changes, merely that it's a realm and a world that I can't comprehend right now. And these thoughts make me apprehensive. Nearly every parent I've encountered and had a conversation with has told me that there is nothing like raising a child to turn your world upside down.
I feel like I've lived my life in stages. The first stage being "growing up". The time when I was safe within my parents bubble and it felt like no harm could ever come to me as long as I was with them. The second stage being "independence". This is the stage that I'm currently in. The time when you've left your parents bubble, faced the world head on and whether you sink or swim is up to you and you alone. I'm comfortable in this stage because every decision I've made while in this stage only affects me. If I succeed or fail miserably at something it's only myself that will have to deal with the consequences. Not to say that I don't have family and friends that will share in those emotions, but you know what I mean. It's my decision for my life and I am responsible for how I choose to live it. I can jump into anything with both feet because they're my feet, I know my limitations, and I trust myself to be able to handle the outcome.
But now comes "parenthood"... Complete and total responsibility for another human being. I can't look at life the same way. I will be responsible for creating that safe bubble for my child. I will have to make all the decisions for this helpless little being until she matures enough to handle those decisions herself. I know I have Mike to share in this responsibility, and we have a great support system. But really, it's up to us. Mike, being the self assured veteran at this, told me last night that I'm over thinking things. He was being so sweet in trying to reassure me that everything will be fine, but he said something to me that I haven't been able to get out of my mind: "Being a parent is the one time in life that your opinion is fact". <--- (Scary!) He went on to say that there are no perfect parents. There are no right answers, and there's never going to be a report card for how your doing. He said he knows how I work and that I can read all the books and articles I want, but no parent was good at it to begin with, and every one of them made mistakes. I guess that's true, but it's still intimidating. I want to be the best mom I can be, and I don't know how to prepare because I don't know what lies in our future. Every baby is different and the world is constantly evolving, so there is no sure fire way to be ready.
I'm hoping these sentiments are normal and every new mommy to be goes through this. It's just really starting to get real. Two months until our due date. That is not a lot of time considering yesterday was Thanksgiving and Halloween was last week. My rational mind knows we'll be fine and it will be wonderful, but my insecure emotional mind is winning the battle right now. Maybe it's just the holidays and everyone reminding me that the next time they see me I'll have had the baby...
Me with a baby. I've got to get used to that thought...
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In other news, we have started going to the doctor every two weeks. During our next appointment, between Christmas and New Year's, I'll be getting another ultrasound to check the baby's size and position as I'm still measuring large. Large babies run in my family, so I'm not too concerned about it, but keep us in your thoughts and prayers anyway. Also, last week was the first time Mike and my sister could see the baby move just by looking at my stomach and that Bethany got to feel her. (She's really shy when it comes to other people feeling her....)
Thanks for checking in with us ~ I'll try to be better at posting regularly :)
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