So I know I wrote a post about a month ago about postpartum. I figure it's probably time for an update. So, I have been receiving treatment for about a month now and I have to say, it's the best thing I could've done. I was in such a state of depression, that I literally did not want to do anything outside of take care of Sarah. And while I did continue to take care of her, being that dependant on my baby for happiness is just not healthy. She should be dependant on me, not the other way around.
I want to very briefly touch on my treatment path right now. I am currently taking a low dose antidepressant. These types of medications have always scared me and I don't want to be dependant on a drug to feel normal, but the simple truth is, I need the help the medicine is providing right now. I go back to the doctor in the next two weeks to evaluate if the low dosage will be enough, or if I need to up it or if maybe I'm heading out of the woods. I honestly don't know what to expect from the visit. At my last visit, the doctor did forewarn me that it can take 9 months to a year to fully treat depression. And if you're going to treat it, you really need to see it through. I really don't want a relapse, so I'm going to be relying on him to set the correct treatment path, and hopefully before too long I'll be back without the help of antidepressants.
Having said that, I want to say that I do feel a lot more like myself these days. I have been productive in getting things done that have fallen to the wayside. I play more actively and creatively with Sarah. We go for nightly strolls. I'm eating better/healthier meals. And I've always tried to take her somewhere fun on the weekends and it doesn't feel like a chore or some colossal effort anymore. When she's napping or after bed time, I enjoy doing little things for myself. I just overall feel better. I wouldn't go so far as to say 100%, but definitely not the dark heavy place that I was before.
Part of why I am writing about this as a topic is because there is such a stigma about postpartum. When truthfully, a lot of women suffer from it, and the reality is we only ever hear horror stories associated with it. Those woman are the ones who were too proud to seek treatment. Life is too short to feel that way, and if you know that you aren't feeling like yourself or feel like your aren't adjusting to motherhood, talk about it. Our bodies go through so many changes to grow a human. We are flooded with hormones and blood and basically have a little parasite living inside us that our bodies naturally compensates for. So it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that there's going to be an adjustment period to get everything back to normal. I mean you're pregnant for 10 months, if it takes 10 months to get back to normal, that's okay. I had a hard time with this and wouldn't cut myself any slack for not bouncing right back. I kept thinking, this should be easier. I breezed through pregnancy, I should breeze through getting back to normal. I didn't want to admit that my body just wasn't adjusting to the postpartum phase well.
I have always ALWAYS loved my kid. I would never ever do anything to hurt her or harm her. But I want to be the best mom I can be and that includes taking care of myself so that I can be there for her in the best way possible. Just know that if you are suffering or have suffered, that you are not alone. And if you want to talk about it, feel free to email or message me.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sometimes I Get a Little Misty Eyed
The first year of a babies life is so exciting and so heart wrenching. On one hand all of these really exciting "firsts" happen. From sight changes, to rolling over, to sitting up, to cooing, to babbling, to discovering hands, toes, textures.... you get it. You see the world around you so differently through a baby's discovery of the most mundane items. A plain solo cup is fasinating. The pure joy of rolling over is infectious. The long forgotten delights of jumping for no reason are remembered. But with all of these things come little heartaches.
Everytime I have to pack up things Sarah has outgrown or out developed I get a little misty eyed. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her discover new things and grow. And shopping for new pint sized clothing is always fun. But packing away those too short sleepers and too little onsies is really sad for me.
Now that Sarah is approaching the big 6 month mark, it seems like there is even more things she is outgrowing. She's officially outgrown her playmat with the the dangly toys. She can still use the kick board piano, but it's rotated for a sitting baby. She's outgrown her swing. It's still up because I can't bring myself to face the fact that it's days are over with Sarah. And her new favorite game during diaper changes is to catch the animals on her mobile, which means it's time to take it down too. So so sad.
It's like all these things I thought were way off in the distance are now, in fact, happening. All these things she used since she came home from the hospital are going away. Her newborn pacifiers are being swapped for the next phase. We bought her new car seat today because her days in the newborn carseat/carrier are numbered. I have to change nipple speeds and introduce cup drinking. She's so ready for all these things, but I'm not. I love watching her grow, I love that she's so interested in learning and watching and trying new things. But part of me wants my tiny little newborn back. I miss the days when she was small enough to fit in my arms without her feet hanging out the back. I miss being able to just hold her without having to entertain her. I miss her tiny chicken legs. (Believe it or not, but she had the scawniest little legs when she was born!) I miss those newborn sounds that were so faint and sweet.
On second thought... I do miss my cute little newborn, but I wouldn't give up her big smile the second she sees me. I wouldn't give up her belly laughs at watching me do some silly dance. I wouldn't give up that look of pure happiness when she gets to eat big baby food. Or her story telling/talking that I know will be facinating when she figures those tricky words out. Or when she tries to say momma when she's crying (that sounds more like mimi)... And now I'm a little misty eyed at how far she's come and how much she's learned. I'm such a girl! Oh well... I guess this is why they say cherish each and every moment. Because you won't get them back. She's only little once. And I fully intend to continue to enjoy it. And let's face it, she still little... she's just not as little. So for now, I'll keep packing away those things she no longer needs and look forward to what tomorrow brings. But I am going to go sneak a kiss on my little girls head who is fast asleep in her big baby crib. Goodnight!
Man, what a jumble of emotions and thoughts tonight... you're welcome for that ;)! Haha!
Everytime I have to pack up things Sarah has outgrown or out developed I get a little misty eyed. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her discover new things and grow. And shopping for new pint sized clothing is always fun. But packing away those too short sleepers and too little onsies is really sad for me.
Now that Sarah is approaching the big 6 month mark, it seems like there is even more things she is outgrowing. She's officially outgrown her playmat with the the dangly toys. She can still use the kick board piano, but it's rotated for a sitting baby. She's outgrown her swing. It's still up because I can't bring myself to face the fact that it's days are over with Sarah. And her new favorite game during diaper changes is to catch the animals on her mobile, which means it's time to take it down too. So so sad.
It's like all these things I thought were way off in the distance are now, in fact, happening. All these things she used since she came home from the hospital are going away. Her newborn pacifiers are being swapped for the next phase. We bought her new car seat today because her days in the newborn carseat/carrier are numbered. I have to change nipple speeds and introduce cup drinking. She's so ready for all these things, but I'm not. I love watching her grow, I love that she's so interested in learning and watching and trying new things. But part of me wants my tiny little newborn back. I miss the days when she was small enough to fit in my arms without her feet hanging out the back. I miss being able to just hold her without having to entertain her. I miss her tiny chicken legs. (Believe it or not, but she had the scawniest little legs when she was born!) I miss those newborn sounds that were so faint and sweet.
On second thought... I do miss my cute little newborn, but I wouldn't give up her big smile the second she sees me. I wouldn't give up her belly laughs at watching me do some silly dance. I wouldn't give up that look of pure happiness when she gets to eat big baby food. Or her story telling/talking that I know will be facinating when she figures those tricky words out. Or when she tries to say momma when she's crying (that sounds more like mimi)... And now I'm a little misty eyed at how far she's come and how much she's learned. I'm such a girl! Oh well... I guess this is why they say cherish each and every moment. Because you won't get them back. She's only little once. And I fully intend to continue to enjoy it. And let's face it, she still little... she's just not as little. So for now, I'll keep packing away those things she no longer needs and look forward to what tomorrow brings. But I am going to go sneak a kiss on my little girls head who is fast asleep in her big baby crib. Goodnight!
Man, what a jumble of emotions and thoughts tonight... you're welcome for that ;)! Haha!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Those things that make Her... Her (sleep position)
My little Sarah is a unique little baby. I'm sure every mom says this about their child, and they are absolutely correct. No two people are alike and no two children are alike. But I sincerely enjoy noting the little things that make her... her. Lets talk about sleep since it seems to be a recurring theme on my blog lately. (I have no idea why this is, maybe because I notice when I'm getting less... ha ha ha!)
Anyway, Sunday night something truly funny happened. See our smart little girl has figured out how we put her to sleep and now resists it as much as she can, so her sleep routine has gotten all out of whack. (We are working on getting more consistent with her nap routine and night time routine.) But basically, she's on to us when it comes to bedtime. It used to be that I would hold her a certain way to put her to bed. With her little head tucked right under my chin on my chest. I would ask my sister or Mike if she was asleep sometimes, but they could never see her eyes. She tucks herself in this way. Well, the other night it was midnight and she wasn't in bed yet, (I told you we were out of whack) so I was tired and just laid her in the bed beside me to let her talk it out. I know I shouldn't let her be in bed with me, but she was wide awake and sometimes she needs to talk to herself for a bit before she's ready to settle. So anyways, she's laying there talking to her hands and my hand and daddy's hand. Yes, she loves to hold hands. When I decided to try to hurry the process along. I know she needs skin contact to fall asleep. So I slipped my arm under her head and pulled her closer to me. Well this allowed my pillow to touch her head. Now usually if I let her lay in bed with us, the pillows are no where near her. But as this merely touched the top of the head I just let it go. I was going to pick her up in a minute anyway to put her to sleep.
Well I'll be darned if she didn't nuzzle her little head straight into that pillow until it was covering her forehead and eyes and instantaneously fell asleep. I mean instant. Like mid babble. Done. Mike and I looked at each other, he mouthed a "Really... Really!!?" at me and I just shrugged before starting to giggle. She was out cold. Mouth hanging open, limp arms, legs done! When I giggled it briefly stirred her and she raised a little hand searching for another hand to hold, got half way up and gave up completely. It was hilarious!!!
Now, we have seen a pattern like this before when she's falling asleep, it actually scares us a bit, because she always tried to bury her head in the mattress. The girl loves having her face covered, or maybe it's the pressure on her forehead, I don't know. But she will put that forehead to whatever soft thing she can find and turn as far as she can to get her head covered. Now that she's a pro at rolling over she tries to sleep with her face flat against the mattress or mostly flat, in which we always reposition her. (I think it's more her forehead that she wants flat against something) And yes, we are very vigilant at night to make sure she doesn't suffocate. Even when she does get her face mostly into the mattress, she leaves her nose an airway, but we aren't comfortable letting her stay that way. Thank goodness for video monitors and parent ears that hear every sigh and movement ~ ha ha! But yeah, this is just another one of those things that make her uniquely her... I didn't take a picture for fear of waking her up, but it was a funny funny sight! (Maybe I'll see if she'll do it again tonight to get a picture, if so I'll post it here...) Gotta love my little Sarah and all her unique quirks!
Oh, and in case you are curious, her sleep schedule got off because of a little stomach bug. The other night after she went to bed, she was changing positions in her crib, and couldn't settle. When I went to check on her and give her the paci back if she needed it, she was covered in baby vomit, from the back of her head to her ear to her face, so I had to change the crib sheets, clean her up, change her pj's and put her back to bed again which didn't put her to sleep until around midnight. Which then made her sleep in and she had her normal nap/awake time during the day, so we're trying to get her back to her normal schedule. And yes, she got sick the next day every time she ate, but is feeling better now. Oh! and the sick night was a "Murphy's Law" kind of night where she decided to pee all over herself during the diaper change, so I had to change the changing pad cover too... It got to a point where I just laid her on some cloth diapers naked while I got clean sheets, changing pad covers, pj's, paci ect. Trust me she didn't mind ;) She loves naked time... And a big shout out to Auntie Bethany who snuggled and comforted Sarah when I was changing the crib sheets and then watched her during naked time while I changed the changing pad cover... I'm gonna miss her when she moves to Denver (A whole different story for another time...) (And for you curious cats, Mike was at work still)
Also, I need to say that she never sleeps in our bed. She's allowed to lay there and have quiet time, or babble, but she always sleeps in her crib. I'm not comfortable letting her sleep with me... And let's face it ~ I need sleep too! She was promptly moved to her crib the night she fell asleep in the pillow.
Anyway, Sunday night something truly funny happened. See our smart little girl has figured out how we put her to sleep and now resists it as much as she can, so her sleep routine has gotten all out of whack. (We are working on getting more consistent with her nap routine and night time routine.) But basically, she's on to us when it comes to bedtime. It used to be that I would hold her a certain way to put her to bed. With her little head tucked right under my chin on my chest. I would ask my sister or Mike if she was asleep sometimes, but they could never see her eyes. She tucks herself in this way. Well, the other night it was midnight and she wasn't in bed yet, (I told you we were out of whack) so I was tired and just laid her in the bed beside me to let her talk it out. I know I shouldn't let her be in bed with me, but she was wide awake and sometimes she needs to talk to herself for a bit before she's ready to settle. So anyways, she's laying there talking to her hands and my hand and daddy's hand. Yes, she loves to hold hands. When I decided to try to hurry the process along. I know she needs skin contact to fall asleep. So I slipped my arm under her head and pulled her closer to me. Well this allowed my pillow to touch her head. Now usually if I let her lay in bed with us, the pillows are no where near her. But as this merely touched the top of the head I just let it go. I was going to pick her up in a minute anyway to put her to sleep.
Well I'll be darned if she didn't nuzzle her little head straight into that pillow until it was covering her forehead and eyes and instantaneously fell asleep. I mean instant. Like mid babble. Done. Mike and I looked at each other, he mouthed a "Really... Really!!?" at me and I just shrugged before starting to giggle. She was out cold. Mouth hanging open, limp arms, legs done! When I giggled it briefly stirred her and she raised a little hand searching for another hand to hold, got half way up and gave up completely. It was hilarious!!!
Now, we have seen a pattern like this before when she's falling asleep, it actually scares us a bit, because she always tried to bury her head in the mattress. The girl loves having her face covered, or maybe it's the pressure on her forehead, I don't know. But she will put that forehead to whatever soft thing she can find and turn as far as she can to get her head covered. Now that she's a pro at rolling over she tries to sleep with her face flat against the mattress or mostly flat, in which we always reposition her. (I think it's more her forehead that she wants flat against something) And yes, we are very vigilant at night to make sure she doesn't suffocate. Even when she does get her face mostly into the mattress, she leaves her nose an airway, but we aren't comfortable letting her stay that way. Thank goodness for video monitors and parent ears that hear every sigh and movement ~ ha ha! But yeah, this is just another one of those things that make her uniquely her... I didn't take a picture for fear of waking her up, but it was a funny funny sight! (Maybe I'll see if she'll do it again tonight to get a picture, if so I'll post it here...) Gotta love my little Sarah and all her unique quirks!
Oh, and in case you are curious, her sleep schedule got off because of a little stomach bug. The other night after she went to bed, she was changing positions in her crib, and couldn't settle. When I went to check on her and give her the paci back if she needed it, she was covered in baby vomit, from the back of her head to her ear to her face, so I had to change the crib sheets, clean her up, change her pj's and put her back to bed again which didn't put her to sleep until around midnight. Which then made her sleep in and she had her normal nap/awake time during the day, so we're trying to get her back to her normal schedule. And yes, she got sick the next day every time she ate, but is feeling better now. Oh! and the sick night was a "Murphy's Law" kind of night where she decided to pee all over herself during the diaper change, so I had to change the changing pad cover too... It got to a point where I just laid her on some cloth diapers naked while I got clean sheets, changing pad covers, pj's, paci ect. Trust me she didn't mind ;) She loves naked time... And a big shout out to Auntie Bethany who snuggled and comforted Sarah when I was changing the crib sheets and then watched her during naked time while I changed the changing pad cover... I'm gonna miss her when she moves to Denver (A whole different story for another time...) (And for you curious cats, Mike was at work still)
Also, I need to say that she never sleeps in our bed. She's allowed to lay there and have quiet time, or babble, but she always sleeps in her crib. I'm not comfortable letting her sleep with me... And let's face it ~ I need sleep too! She was promptly moved to her crib the night she fell asleep in the pillow.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Amazonaholic
Hi my name is Jenni and I'm addicted to Amazon.com
Oi! It's so sad really, but I can't help it! Especially since I've learned of their "Subscribe & Save" program. And I became a member of Amazon Mom. I mean c'mon I get Pampers diapers for less than $0.20 a piece! And we are a Pampers kind of family. No offense to anyone who uses other brands, but these are what works for Sarah. It came down to an issue of save a few dollars and change her clothes / due laundry constantly because of leaks or buy the brand that works the best for her body. But that doesn't mean that I want to spend a fortune on poop catchers...
I used to shy away from online ordering because we have an issue with having things delivered to our apartment. The delivery guy inevitably comes at a time when no one is home and attempts to redeliver at the same time every day until I have to call the driver and go meet him somewhere for my package. Yes, I have gone chasing the FedEx truck more than once. But then I got permission to have my things delivered to work. It's perfect and thus began my little problem...
You see, I'm a researcher. I will read and watch reviews of any product I'm interested in. Nothing is too mundane for me to research and make sure I'm getting what I think will work the best for us. So Amazon with their customer reviews is a perfect place for me to shop. It also keeps me on track from buying too much. I am a sucker for a good ad campaign in stores. A colorful display or packaging will get my attention every time. I spend so much money at actual stores. Whereas, with Amazon, I can search for what I'm looking for and then buy the best product for the best price. And I have gotten some great deals! Plus, my orders always qualify for "Free Super Saver Shipping".
Plus, for things that I come across that Sarah isn't quite ready for, they have a nifty wish list so I can put them on there and save them for a later time. I love it! My wish list is ever growing! I have things on there for Christmas and her birthday and some for a possible half birthday (You know, bigger ticket items that I don't know that I can wait until Christmas for... (I'm still trying to convince Mike that this is legit) (He's not buying it yet...haha!)
So yeah, I just wanted to share my current obsession. My name is Jenni and I'm a Amazonaholic. I would encourage you to go check them out. But be forewarned. It is addictive!
And no, this is not a product review, it's just my opinion on my new favorite time sucking website.
Oi! It's so sad really, but I can't help it! Especially since I've learned of their "Subscribe & Save" program. And I became a member of Amazon Mom. I mean c'mon I get Pampers diapers for less than $0.20 a piece! And we are a Pampers kind of family. No offense to anyone who uses other brands, but these are what works for Sarah. It came down to an issue of save a few dollars and change her clothes / due laundry constantly because of leaks or buy the brand that works the best for her body. But that doesn't mean that I want to spend a fortune on poop catchers...
I used to shy away from online ordering because we have an issue with having things delivered to our apartment. The delivery guy inevitably comes at a time when no one is home and attempts to redeliver at the same time every day until I have to call the driver and go meet him somewhere for my package. Yes, I have gone chasing the FedEx truck more than once. But then I got permission to have my things delivered to work. It's perfect and thus began my little problem...
You see, I'm a researcher. I will read and watch reviews of any product I'm interested in. Nothing is too mundane for me to research and make sure I'm getting what I think will work the best for us. So Amazon with their customer reviews is a perfect place for me to shop. It also keeps me on track from buying too much. I am a sucker for a good ad campaign in stores. A colorful display or packaging will get my attention every time. I spend so much money at actual stores. Whereas, with Amazon, I can search for what I'm looking for and then buy the best product for the best price. And I have gotten some great deals! Plus, my orders always qualify for "Free Super Saver Shipping".
Plus, for things that I come across that Sarah isn't quite ready for, they have a nifty wish list so I can put them on there and save them for a later time. I love it! My wish list is ever growing! I have things on there for Christmas and her birthday and some for a possible half birthday (You know, bigger ticket items that I don't know that I can wait until Christmas for... (I'm still trying to convince Mike that this is legit) (He's not buying it yet...haha!)
So yeah, I just wanted to share my current obsession. My name is Jenni and I'm a Amazonaholic. I would encourage you to go check them out. But be forewarned. It is addictive!
And no, this is not a product review, it's just my opinion on my new favorite time sucking website.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I Hope I Never Forget... 5 Months
Sarah,
You were 5 months old yesterday! I can't believe how fast time is flying! You have changed so much this month! I hope I never forget:
I didn't take a lot of pictures of you this month, but here are the few that I got. I'm also going to put the video of you rolling over from this weekend at the end.
You were 5 months old yesterday! I can't believe how fast time is flying! You have changed so much this month! I hope I never forget:
- The back to belly rolling fanatic you've become. You've rolled over before, but it seems like this past weekend you really wanted to show off your new skills by rolling over back to belly over and over again.
- The way you finally tolerate tummy time. I think the fact that you put yourself on your belly has something to do with this ;-)
- Your hand control is so much better! You are reaching for things that catch your attention and are usually able to pick up and hold whatever it is. You've also been practicing passing object back and forth between you little hands and are getting pretty good.
- Your facination with grown up food. You watch intently when daddy or I are eating and will reach for the food yourself.
- How good you are gettting at eating off a spoon. We've only given you cereal once a week up until now. But yesterday, for your 5 month birthday, you tried squash and you really loved it!!
- The way you are trying so hard to hold your own bottle. You don't quite have it down yet, but you sure are trying. You haven't figured out how gravity works. Also, once you see that bottle you get upset if we don't give it to you immediately!
- How you can take out and put in your pacifier in all by yourself now!
- Your love of toys with squeakers in them!
- The way you love your daddy. The past couple of days you have been head over heels in love with daddy. If he's in the room, you want his attention. You were bouncing in your jumperoo yesterday and even though I was sitting on the floor right next to you, you would stop bouncing look at daddy and stick that little lip out until he came over and watched you bouncing. So cute! You also like to tell him stories at night before bedtime.
- Your fascination with faces right now. You love to look at faces and grab cheeks or lips.
- That you keep us guessing with sleep routines. You've figured out how we put you to bed, but the past few nights you've wanted to stay up late and have some "me time". Meaning you want us to lay you down on the couch beside us and talk to yourself or the couch for a bit.
- How you still wake up happy. If you wake up crying, it's because you aren't ready to be up yet.
- How much you love your jumperoo! You will bounce in that thing until you fall asleep, literally. I have to pull you out while you're still bouncing because your eyelids just can't stay open!
- That you are growing by leaps and bounds! We put the last of your size 2 diapers on you yesterday. Now you are wearing a size 3 Pampers cruiser. You can still wear most of your 3-6 month clothes, but we are transitioning you to 6-9 month sleepers because of your long length. Although, some of your 3-6 month onsies are getting a little short, so you may be in 6-9 month before long.
- You now tolerate car rides a lot better. You still need your pacifier, and sometimes a hand. But overall you are a lot happier in the car than you have been in the past.
- The "mmm" sound you make when you are crying and want me to pick you up. I think you're trying to say "momma" but you will always make that sound when you want me.
- How close you are to sitting all by yourself. You love to sit in my lap to play or read. You are really good at the tripod, and are getting good at sitting straight up. You last a few seconds before leaning to one side. When you do topple, you tend to end up on your belly.
- The way you splash. We've taken you to the pool a couple of times where you learned to kick your legs, so now bath time is messy with you kicking all the water out of your bath.
- Your hair is getting darker and we're having to give you baths more frequently because it is so dang hot in the summer which leads to more sweating. We can usually tell if you need a bath by your hair color. (It's a lot lighter after bath time!)
- Your love of jazz music. We have recently learned that you love to listen to music that has scatting in it. You smile really big when you hear upbeat scat/swing/jazz songs. Your current favorite is "I Wanna Be Like You" from Jungle Book.
- You still love to be outside and are happy with an evening stroll either in your stroller or the carrier. You love feeling the sun on your skin and a breeze through your hair. But it's getting so hot that we have to wait until evening to take you out.
- You love to babble and coo, especially at pictures or patterns on shirts, but you let your voice be known in conversation. It's such a sweet sound.
- You still love your swing, but you prefer it before nap time as a quite down activity. You won't fall asleep in the swing, but you will hug your bear and enjoy the motion. Poor swing is having a hard time swinging you though, so usually I push you in it instead. I think you'll be too big for it soon.
- Your happiness. You are a genuinely happy girl and enjoy smiling and laughing and talking to everyone around you. Your love of life is very apparent!
I didn't take a lot of pictures of you this month, but here are the few that I got. I'm also going to put the video of you rolling over from this weekend at the end.
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| Yummy feet to chew on! |
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| First lick on a banana |
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| I like to grab the burp cloth off your shoulder to play with it |
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| Pretty in pink |
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| I'm 5 month's old (This is what I get when I ask Mike for pictures ~ haha!) |
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