Rebuke

There is a word floating around our office right now that has become the butt of many jokes.  Rebuke.  We don’t often hear this word in everyday speech anymore, however, this past weekend I was rebuked by several people who I love very dearly and feel I need to address this issue before moving forward.  While I have responded to these people individually, I thought I should write this as a way to give some insight into our lives and maybe some understanding.

First off, I would hope that if you are reading my blog you know me well enough to know that I would never force myself or my decisions on anyone.  It is not in my immediate nature to do so.  I am well aware that my pregnancy is uncomfortable and not easily explained to children who are being raised, as I was, to think that you need to be married to have a baby.  For those that have expressed this exact sentiment I appreciate your honesty and respect your point of view.  I will do what is in my power to uphold those values if or when I am around you or your children.  In others words, I will not flaunt my situation or try to change your way of thinking.  I will not, however, miss important events in my loved ones lives if I am invited or asked to be there.  I am not self-important enough to think the world revolves around me.  I would never want or try to take the focus off of whomever or whatever event I am attending.  It is their day and their day alone.

Mike and I’s situation is unique in and of itself.  We have been together for 4 years and I am an active role model and adult in his 11 year old daughter’s life.  We struggle along with her mother and step father to raise a child in today’s scary world.  It is a very different world than the one you or I grew up in.  They are bombarded with subject matter above their maturity nearly everywhere they go.  Every new piece of technology poses a new threat to our sweet children.  The internet can be accessed through not only computers, but their DS, PSP, Wii, Xbox, Cell phones, etc.  A smart kid can figure out how to hide a multitude of information if they want to.   I have always believed in protecting a child’s innocence and I am more than ever committed to that end.

We have chosen to not get married at this time for our own reasons.  We will probably end up married at some point, but it will not be before the baby comes.  To give Mike his credit, he has offered to marry me several times.  This weekend was also rough on him as he would do whatever he could to protect me from the scrutiny I have come under.  I stand by my previous decision to wait until we can have the wedding that we want.  That is probably pretty selfish of me, but if Mike is willing to wait, so can the rest of y’all.  We will raise this baby together and are committed to one another, that is all most of you need to know.

I have always viewed babies as a blessing.  As such, I see my baby as a blessing.  Did I deserve it?  No.  But it was bestowed and entrusted to me to raise.  I will not be ashamed of any blessing I have received.  Because I have been given a blessing, I will strive to be a blessing to others and teach my child that as well.

Finally, I need to apologize to everyone whom I have hurt by the way I handled this pregnancy.  This is completely new territory for me and I felt that if I did a big reveal or anything cutesy it would be perceived as I am not taking it seriously, or that I am flaunting an un-Christlike way of living.  I was unable to form the words “I am pregnant” for the longest time.  Even when telling my family, I used other language.  It is not an easy thing to share something so personal and controversial.  There is one person in particular who I have hurt.   I really did want to tell this person myself in person and did not make it to her house in time.  I don’t know how to make it up to her.  I completely understand her feelings and would feel the exact same way.  I can only hang my head in shame and beg for forgiveness.  I am truly truly sorry.  I hope you can forgive me.  You are a valuable person in my life.

For myself, I was reminded at church this weekend that no one can separate us from the love of God.  Grace is free.  It can not be bought, sold or earned.  It is there for our taking.  I still believe I am a child of God and that He holds me in the palm of His hand.  We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God.  Luckily, I know the story doesn’t end there and we’ve all been redeemed through Jesus.  I will continue on my Christian walk through Faith.

Bottom line, if you’ve actually read this far, is: I CHOOSE LOVE.  I do not love anybody any less than I did before this weekend.  I respect our individual right to an opinion and way of life.  I will continue to think of you all in a loving way and will pray for blessings on you and your families.  Please know that voicing honest emotions and feelings will never be punishable in my book.  I love you.