Aren't You Supposed To Be The Pregnant One?

I'm pretty certain that you're supposed to gain weight when you're pregnant. I was not, however, expecting to gain more weight than the pregnant person over that stretch.

That is apparently the case as of now. Jen has been gaining the required pound or two on schedule, as most people growing a person inside their stomach would expect. I have somehow managed to outgain her over the last couple months, and I'm looking for an answer as we speak.

Right before we had discovered the impending arrival of our new baby girl, I had just stopped a short-lived diet in which I had lost about 14 lbs. It's one of those self-maintenance things that I have to do every so often to prevent morbid obesity or diabetes, seeing as how I tend to eat nothing but food items consisting of mostly cheese or sugar. That weight loss put me around the 190 lbs. mark, which is still about 10 lbs. more that where I'd like to be.

But after feasting on mostly salad and white meat for a month or so, I had gone on strike and decided to return to my regular schedule of pizza and Ben & Jerry's. So you could see how me gaining all that weight back came as a total shock. Before you know it, I wound up just a shade below the weight cutoff for riding on elevators by myself.

The other day, Jenni made that pouty face that she makes with the eyes looking down and sticking out her bottom lip. After I asked her what's wrong, she replied, "I'm getting fat, honey." I said, "No, sweetie, you're gorgeous. You're not fat at all."  She proceeded to disagree and call me a liar, to which I replied, "If, at any point over the next couple of months, you feel like you're abnormally heavy, just stand next to me and no one will notice." She gave me a truly puzzled look, but I'm sure she's figured it out by now.

Also a bit strange is the fact that I've begun craving things and had some minor mood swings over the last couple of weeks. Nothing creepy or over-the-top, but it's been enough to notice. For example, I stayed up the other night watching "Mr. Holland's Opus" in its entirety. Although I've probably watched it about ten times, I managed to boo-hoo at the end like I'd never seen it before. Jenni, however, has remained mostly serene if not completely normal 99 percent of the time.

Just about two weeks ago, I managed to sprain my ankle pretty badly at work. Not wanting to sit out injured and miss a big payday on a busy weekend, I worked through the pain at the expense of my foot and ankle health. While that decision was totally worth it and I made an obscene amount of money for three days of work, I've now been waddling around with a handicapped swagger while displaying a swollen ankle.

Are you seeing a pattern??

Let's recap: weight gain, mood swings, strange cravings, swollen ankle.

Up until this afternoon, there was growing cause for concern that I may, in fact, also be pregnant. As unlikely and scary a scenario as that may have been, I'm at least showing all the side effects. But then things began to roll back to the original script this afternoon when Jenni texted me from work.

Jen:  Hey, you busy tonight?
Me:  I'm gonna watch the game, why?
Jen:  Oh, is that super important to you?
Me:  Well, i guess not. What's up?
Jen:  Can I treat you to a pedicure tonight?
Me:  Um... really?
Jen:  Apparently not.
Me:  Why apparently not?
Jen:  Because of your reaction. I thought you were just giving me a crazy look via text.
Me:  It was not a crazy look. I'm just scared.
Jen:  You shouldn't be scared, what are you scared of?
Me:  A pedicure? I have sensitive feet and I've never had one.
Jen:  Nevermind.

In the end, I chose the football game and kept my pedicure virginity intact.  This alone proves that there is no reason to be alarmed and that all of my "sympathy weight" and maternity symptoms were just a pure coincidence. :-)