This is a deeply personal post. So deep that I almost don't want to publish it, but I feel I need to just get it out. Most of the time I try to keep my posts light and positive. But to be honest, I don't feel light and positive at all these days. I am struggling very hard right now with postpartum depression.
I saw my doctor today and he confirmed it is postpartum and we are starting treatment. I never knew how depression felt until now. The only way I can think to descibe it is, I feel heavy. All the time. I feel like the biggest weight imaginabe has been bound to me and I can't figure out how to get it off. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and the bright shiney sunny world is welcoming me if I can ever find a way to the top and shed this suffocating weight.
I feel the need to say that Sarah is my one ray of sunshine right now. She is nothing but pure bliss and postivity and light. When I'm taking care of her,I feel some similance of normal. As little as she is, she reminds me constantly of the joy of living and God's awesome power.
But it is when I'm away from her or she is sleeping that I feel completely lost. I know that "baby blues" are normal for a lot of people, but in no way have I lost interest in taking care of Sarah. (That is what a lot of the research I've read says can happen). I only want the absolute best for her.
But back to the point. I feel like there is some trick to getting this weight off and climbing out of the well, but I can't figure it out and I'm exausted from trying. It's easier to just make my peace that this is my home now. But I know these aren't my feelings. I'm better than this depression. I know the magic and wonder of life. But somewhere along the way I got lost then fell then got heavy. Normal everyday life seems so hard to do. And I have a lot to look forward to an be thankful for. But it feels like a facade. Again, I want to clarify that this feeling is only when I'm not with Sarah or she is sleeping and I'm not needed. It's amazing the way her sweet smile pulls me from this nightmare.
I hate going to work. I know I love my job (and I truely do) but it is so hard to make myself go. Lately all I do at work is put head phones on and druge though whatever tasks I have for that day. I don't socialize with anyone unless they happen to ask me something and even then I keep it short. I just don't feel like conversation. I've been trying very hard to not upset or offend anyone because I really like my coworkers. I just don't know how to be normal right now. Having friends takes a lot of work and I can't be a friend to have a friend right now.
I don't have the energy for my relationship with Mike either. Not that we get any time together. We basically pass the baby off between us with our work schedules being opposite. But he has been wonderful to me and helps me out in so many ways. He truely does keep me going. I'm used to contributing a lot to our relationship, and right now I'm basically a leech. I suppose that's how relationships go, but it makes me feel guilty. I wish I had more to give and put into our time together when we get it.
I don't really know why I'm writing this post or putting it out there to be judged by the small handful or people who read this blog. I guess it's a mass apology for not being myself. Know that I am trying to get back to normal and I pray about it all the time. But my internal struggle is heavy right now. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm hoping to find the joy again in little things in my life outside of Sarah. But "me time" is a joke as I usually end up sitting on a bench somewhere counting down the minutes till I can be with my baby again.
Please don't think I cling to Sarah too much. I'm just so much happier when I'm around her. It's easy to act like nothing is wrong when she lights up everything around her. I don't understand people who don't believe in God. I can't take credit for the beautiful little wonder that is Sarah Marie. I thank God daily for sending her into my life.
I start treatment tomorrow for post partum. The doctor said it's normal for it to last for 9 months to a year, but I'm obviously hoping for quicker results. If anyone is interested in this journey I'll try to do updates. Or if you have felt this way, let me know. It'd be nice to know I'm not some psycho. It almost makes me want to be pregnant again. I felt on top of the world when I was carrying Sarah. From the top to the bottom in 4 and half months...eye yi yi...(and the whole wanting to be pregnant was a joke!)
Pray for me please. And please don't judge me too harshly. Thanks for reading.
I saw my doctor today and he confirmed it is postpartum and we are starting treatment. I never knew how depression felt until now. The only way I can think to descibe it is, I feel heavy. All the time. I feel like the biggest weight imaginabe has been bound to me and I can't figure out how to get it off. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and the bright shiney sunny world is welcoming me if I can ever find a way to the top and shed this suffocating weight.
I feel the need to say that Sarah is my one ray of sunshine right now. She is nothing but pure bliss and postivity and light. When I'm taking care of her,I feel some similance of normal. As little as she is, she reminds me constantly of the joy of living and God's awesome power.
But it is when I'm away from her or she is sleeping that I feel completely lost. I know that "baby blues" are normal for a lot of people, but in no way have I lost interest in taking care of Sarah. (That is what a lot of the research I've read says can happen). I only want the absolute best for her.
But back to the point. I feel like there is some trick to getting this weight off and climbing out of the well, but I can't figure it out and I'm exausted from trying. It's easier to just make my peace that this is my home now. But I know these aren't my feelings. I'm better than this depression. I know the magic and wonder of life. But somewhere along the way I got lost then fell then got heavy. Normal everyday life seems so hard to do. And I have a lot to look forward to an be thankful for. But it feels like a facade. Again, I want to clarify that this feeling is only when I'm not with Sarah or she is sleeping and I'm not needed. It's amazing the way her sweet smile pulls me from this nightmare.
I hate going to work. I know I love my job (and I truely do) but it is so hard to make myself go. Lately all I do at work is put head phones on and druge though whatever tasks I have for that day. I don't socialize with anyone unless they happen to ask me something and even then I keep it short. I just don't feel like conversation. I've been trying very hard to not upset or offend anyone because I really like my coworkers. I just don't know how to be normal right now. Having friends takes a lot of work and I can't be a friend to have a friend right now.
I don't have the energy for my relationship with Mike either. Not that we get any time together. We basically pass the baby off between us with our work schedules being opposite. But he has been wonderful to me and helps me out in so many ways. He truely does keep me going. I'm used to contributing a lot to our relationship, and right now I'm basically a leech. I suppose that's how relationships go, but it makes me feel guilty. I wish I had more to give and put into our time together when we get it.
I don't really know why I'm writing this post or putting it out there to be judged by the small handful or people who read this blog. I guess it's a mass apology for not being myself. Know that I am trying to get back to normal and I pray about it all the time. But my internal struggle is heavy right now. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm hoping to find the joy again in little things in my life outside of Sarah. But "me time" is a joke as I usually end up sitting on a bench somewhere counting down the minutes till I can be with my baby again.
Please don't think I cling to Sarah too much. I'm just so much happier when I'm around her. It's easy to act like nothing is wrong when she lights up everything around her. I don't understand people who don't believe in God. I can't take credit for the beautiful little wonder that is Sarah Marie. I thank God daily for sending her into my life.
I start treatment tomorrow for post partum. The doctor said it's normal for it to last for 9 months to a year, but I'm obviously hoping for quicker results. If anyone is interested in this journey I'll try to do updates. Or if you have felt this way, let me know. It'd be nice to know I'm not some psycho. It almost makes me want to be pregnant again. I felt on top of the world when I was carrying Sarah. From the top to the bottom in 4 and half months...eye yi yi...(and the whole wanting to be pregnant was a joke!)
Pray for me please. And please don't judge me too harshly. Thanks for reading.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. There should be no shame or stigma in admitting and dealing with mental health issues. Matt and I have both dealt with depression over the years, and we both stay on maintenance medication for it. I did not suffer from postpartum, but was very worried that I would, given my tendencies toward depression in general.
ReplyDeleteBravo to you for admitting what you're going through and getting help. I hope it gets better soon.